Give Someone a Break Even if You Think They Don’t Deserve It
They may need it more than you know.
(originally published on Medium.com, 17-May-2025)
Please note: This article contains a discussion of suicide. If you or someone you know has suicidal thoughts, please contact your local mental health professional resources for assistance.
The image above was outside a cafe in Findhorn, Scotland. It is a great reminder for us all.
“Today you could be talking to someone who is trying their best not to fall apart, so whatever you do today, do it with KINDNESS.”
I admit I can be quite impatient with folks. If you worked with me in my engineering career, especially my first decade, you likely experienced my impatience firsthand. So, no, I’m not perfect.
But let me share a story with you about why patience and kindness should be your first response.
The High School Youth Group
In high school, some friends and I participated in a non-denominational Christian youth group with chapters in high schools across the Houston area. Occasionally, the chapters had joint events.
A student leader from another school (let’s call him “Bob”) was an energetic and enthusiastic young man.
I didn’t know Bob well, but I was impressed with his confidence and ability to speak in front of groups and put himself out there.
We lived in the suburbs outside Houston. He lived in Houston and attended a high school (call it XYZ High School) that I viewed as being in an upper-middle-class area, much like the suburbs I live in.
During a joint event, a student from my school made a joke about his school and he snapped back, “Yeah, I know! Sure, I’m just a poor boy from XYZ High School!”
You could tell from his voice that he was hurt and angry.
Wow. I was floored. He thought of his school as lower class than ours. And I suppose he thought less of himself as well. Neither of those thoughts has ever crossed my mind. How could he think that?
Sure, I lived in the suburbs but my family didn’t own a home and we didn’t have any extravagances that others might. My parents rented until they could afford a home. We were in the suburbs because the schools were better.
I’m not a psychiatrist or counselor, but it seemed that Bob’s insecurities were eating at him, and no one really knew how much.
Onward to College
Some friends and I, including Bob, attended the same university. Occasionally, we would see each other. Bob threw himself into the school community and culture. He was active and kept busy.
Around our junior year, a friend said, “Did you hear about Bob?” No.
Bob gathered some alcohol and pills. He drove to an isolated place and left his wallet, truck keys, and personal items in his truck. He had no plans to return to his truck. He wandered into an isolated field and consumed the alcohol and pills. His body was found weeks later. It was too late.
Bob committed suicide.
That was about 35 years ago.
Today
For the last eight years, my daughter has attended a school that is close to XYZ High School, where Bob attended. I see XYZ school or XYZ car bumper stickers nearly every school day, so I am reminded of Bob more often than others might be.
I don’t dwell in the past, but some days my mind wanders back to those times, and I think about Bob, wondering if there were signs I could have seen.
Honestly, back then, my plate was full keeping myself together, studying for an engineering degree while working to put myself through school. I didn’t have extra bandwidth to see much of what others were dealing with.
But, I do wonder sometimes if there was a sign I should have noticed.
I have a group of three high school friends in a text chat group where we occasionally share what’s happening in our lives.
This past December, I finally sent them this message:
I haven’t mentioned it before but I see XYZ HS or stickers for it every day. Each time, I always think of Bob and what a sad thing it is that he felt so bad to take his own life. Sorry, not exactly a cheery holiday follow up message.
I presume none of you are remotely near that point but please know I’m here if you ever want someone to just listen. Take care, my friends, Jeff.
PS: I’m not passively asking for help, just sharing as I keep meaning to share as I know you guys knew him.
Responses were in agreement that it was a shame.
Takeaways
“Today you could be talking to someone who is trying their best not to fall apart, so whatever you do today, do it with KINDNESS.”
Much like the angry email response you might draft and pause before hitting ‘send’, take a moment when responding to someone who has upset or offended you. Perhaps patience and kindness should be considered your first response.
I’m not a mental health professional, but if you or someone you know is struggling with mental health, find local resources for help.
You would seek help for a broken leg; do it for your mental health, too.
If you need some encouragement to seek assistance, don’t forget that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, but any time is the right time to seek assistance.
All the Best to you.
Enjoy life and thanks for reading,
-Jeff
